Saying Sorry Too Much: How to Break the Pattern

As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.