Those Words from A Father That Saved Us when I became a Brand-New Dad

"In my view I was just just surviving for twelve months."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality quickly became "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health issues during the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his parent, on a public seat, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The direct statement "You're not in a healthy space. You require assistance. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now more comfortable addressing the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a wider reluctance to talk between men, who continue to internalise harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It's not a display of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a pause - spending a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to better grasp the expression of feelings and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "terrible actions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the things that made you feel like you before having a baby. It could be going for a run, socialising or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help is not failure - taking care of you is the most effective way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, transformed how they talk, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I expressed, at times I think my purpose is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are through this experience."